I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We have so much sex to catch up on
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
