Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
