You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
