It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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