Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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