I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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