I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize