I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
