Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So vagazzling was a success
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
