They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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