my phone needs a breathalizer
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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