Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
