If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
