You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
