Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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