I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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