I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
