I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
