I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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