I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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