i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We had to coat check the pizza.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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