I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
