A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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