I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
