Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
