Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
