i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
