What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
