i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
