when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize