So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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