no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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