Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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