Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
