my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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