I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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