At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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