When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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