so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
