guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize