Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
