john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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