the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
