I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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