I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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