I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
