It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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