Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just high enough for therapy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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