It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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