I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
