Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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