He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
