My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
