Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
