I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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