im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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