I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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