just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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