Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
