apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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