I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
