If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
