I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
