eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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