It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
