i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
