Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A+ Viking dick
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
